Would you dance with me my lord? - Chapter 69: chapter 69
He didn’t want to overturn everything he had gained so far. Back then, it wasn’t that important to know the reason behind their relationship. She was just a girl who danced beautifully and a person with a kind heart. It was not purely innocent, but his feelings were sincere then also. He enjoyed the company of this sister and so was able to be a kind younger brother to her. And that’s how he stayed beside her.
But he knew that he couldn’t say he was a hypocrite.
She had always been a person under persecution — people’s stares, voice, and fingers. Whether you are the perpetrator of the persecution or a watching bystander, it was all the same. He was just someone who was able to approach her because of one thing that he perceived to like about her. Knowing about her scars, he should have at least tried to comfort her. But he knew she was so lonely that she would grab onto anyone who would have reached out to her. And he had used that fact to get what he wanted.
So truthfully, he had been able to ignore all of it, but now, he realized that their foundation had been rained on so much that it was not stable. Even he knew it, so he was sure she realized it also. They both knew their actions were immature. But they still tried to build up a pillar. Then put on the roof.
Sometimes, he thought that they had built themselves a perfect house. It was cocky. He didn’t care about the muddy foundation. How could such a strong pillar fall? He had persuaded himself in this way.
But this thought itself proved how scared L’avenant really was.
He had never put down his foot down on rock bottom. It had not been right to ignore it by pretending that everything was okay. He knew how he had acted and how that must have made her feel and why her expression had been shadowed at those times. No, the first thing he should have done was to sincerely, with all his heart, apologize to her.
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They built up their relationship using her fragile desperation to escape loneliness. That’s why their roots were this way. He knew that his sister was already aware of how tangled the thorns and leaves were. It was not intuition. Still, his ‘effort’ had come back to him as a success.
Then would sister know the reason he was bringing this up now? Was this all really for her to tell him about her marriage, which he had already known about?
Or was it to make it known to her that he was not happy about her deep relationship with the king? Was his calm reaction fake or real? Am I against or for her wedding?
L’avenant didn’t know what he was saying even as he was saying it. Instead, he wished that his sister would answer him, even if it was a simple answer.
And when Ashite opened her mouth, L’avenant intuitively realized that this was a deep-rooted thought within her.
Ashite thought to herself. She had never thought that she would be the one saying these words.
She had been so overwhelmed by a continuing relationship and relieved by her ability to take off her mask that she never thought that it was necessary to think back to her past. But the reason she thought it was necessary now was very simple.
This man. Thanks to him, she began to realize that she was able to break out of her mask. So, she now realized that there was no point in trying to alleviate her once pitiful rock bottom state.
This man, this person, Lu Havre. Lu Havre and Lante couldn’t truly understand the extent of the rock bottom she had been in at that time. They did not know the gruesome and horrifying emotions that had consumed her. They had been kind to ignore the demons that would pop out in her expressions when she couldn’t hide it any longer. And so she appreciated their gentleness toward her. That’s why she could say that they were similar to each other but,
Ashite knew that this was not the truth. There was one main difference between them.
Lante, when they first met, looked down on her. The elegant prince never once mixed conversation with her. And there was the expression she remembered on his face, the few times they had crossed paths. It was an expression she knew well. Disregard. Not the type of disregard to give someone privacy but the kind of disregard you give to those far below you. She felt it in his glance without him having to say a single word to her. So there was no way that she couldn’t recognize his disregard for her. Lante had been part of the group that had tried to separate her and her mother from the rest of the family. It had been that kind of royal family and that kind of country.
“Lante.”
And he was that sort of child. His heart that been broken and twisted by the way he was raised, but she didn’t hold the past against him.
“…Sister….”
Ashite, at the same time,
“Sister. I… actually wanted to speak about something else….”
He did not forget that the person who had accepted him was herself. Even though at first, he had ignored her coldly, if at times he would reach out his hand, she would grab it tightly without giving it a second thought. If the reason for his courtesy had been because he thought her dance was beautiful then there wasn’t more she needed. She didn’t even think that she wanted an apology.
There was nothing she could do. She had been a child, also. However, just because you were a child didn’t mean you didn’t have sincerity.
She was the one who had thought that this child had been warmhearted, so she had no choice but to accept all his other intentions behind it.
I understand. The time I spent together with him was not short.
And I know that I am pretending to be calm at this moment.
She wasn’t exactly sure his reason for bringing this up, but Ashite comfortably said what she wanted to say.
“What I really want to say to you sister is that I’m sor―”
“Lante. But,”
“….”
“I never resented you.”
I knew about your kind heart. Most people never observed others beyond themselves. No, even she had been that way. Even she had never cared about those around her. So don’t be too hard on yourself. You had not used my fragile past to start this relationship. Because in the end, it was I who desperately clung to it.
“Has it been this way from the beginning?”
“….”
“It’s true. You may not believe it, knowing how I’ve lived.”
Ashite suddenly smiled.
“But…. Yes, I think it wasn’t worth it.”
Thinking of the past, she knew that it was a very immature way of thinking. She didn’t know when it had all started. But it was the truth.
L’avenant lifted his head. He had on an expression that only someone who knew him well would understand. It was weak, delicate, and soft. Was it apologetic, sadness, or defeat? Ashite looked at L’avenant’s face, which couldn’t hide his mixed feelings and said to him.
“And Lante. I really am, sincerely, very grateful to you.”
“You who helped me break away from the thought that I could never love any person again.”
No answer came her way. His expression just seemed to get fainter. But Ashite knew how he was feeling.
“Lante. The reason I was able to accept this man may have been thanks to you.”
It did occur to her that she couldn’t really explain the reason to him logically. Ashite leaned forward toward L’avenant. Then she smiled again — the same way she had a long time ago.
“But the reason I didn’t tell you all this was…was because…”
Ashite’s hands overlapped over the boy’s hand. With its warmth, a voice rang out. It was frail and weak but filled with sincerity.
“I’m sorry.”
I didn’t even know this would happen. How much more surprised you would have been. But this was not a compulsive feeling, so Ashite chose her words carefully.
“I too thought like you, that there was no reason for me to tell you.”
Really. I had thought this way from the very beginning.
“There really was nothing to tell you.”
Until just a few moments ago.
“But at some point, this person….”
He had changed slowly. When was the first time? Yesterday, the day before yesterday, a few weeks ago, or a few months? There was just too much as she tried to remember each event. As she thought of the best way to tell Lante, Ashite concealed a smile.
The ring on her finger felt surreal. Looking down at it, she smiled brightly.
//”Princess, your dance skills are phenomenal.”//
There were so many to count, yet all of them seemed to be kept deep inside her. That person’s expression, voice, touch. It was then that all those things seemed to stir something within her.
//”My mother was a concubine also.”
“Your dance is still beautiful. Ashite.”//
Even though she had claimed that nothing happened between them, each of her memories had left a large imprint on her. Had it been that way for him too?
//”Ashite. Will you dance with me.”
“I want to see you dance for the rest of my life.”
“My monte.”//
It probably happened like this. Ashite was sure. She believed it wholeheartedly.
“He started to change a little bit at a time…until he started to change me too.”
That is why I am able to tell you these things to you now, Lante.
“I couldn’t tell you before because I was overwhelmed by my change. Then my identity was revealed, and the rumor spread. I didn’t think this was something to relay over a letter, and I couldn’t just suddenly go and see you.”
Because I needed time to organize my own thoughts.
L’avenant wanted to cry a little.
He had just said anything. The complicated emotion he couldn’t describe could have been due to the fact that he realized that he was living in a land that had carelessly abandoned him, that he had displayed hypocrisy toward her, and the king who caused his defeat was now his sister’s keeper. Or maybe, was he angry, although he wasn’t sure exactly who he was angry at.
But at those useless words, sister had revealed the inner feelings to him, which she had never done before. That was all. As if she understood that his feelings had not all been innocent, she comforted him. She thanked him gracefully and apologized when it was he who should have been sorry.
So L’avenant decided to reveal his true feelings also.
“…Sister. There is no reason for you to feel sorry.”
L’avenant squeezed Ashite’s hand, which was overlapped with his.
“The person who should apologize is me. All this time pretending I didn’t know…I’m really sorry. Sister.”
Then he lowered his head. L’avenant took a breath that sounded like a sigh. His breathing seemed to be trembling.
“…As you may know. The things I have just said, truthfully, don’t have deep meaning to me at all. What’s important to me, what I really wanted to tell you, sister, is about something else.”
He lifted his face and looked straight at her. When Ashite saw L’avenant’s expression, she couldn’t help but smile. She had thought of him only as a young child, but he was now all grown up. How dependable he has become.
“Do you think that the king can really make you happy? Sister. Are you happy?”
Ashite could feel the warmth in his words. I can now receive such a question. They were the words her mother had spoken to her. So she did not hesitate to answer.
“Of course. I am happy. Lante.”
The purple hair cast a shadow over its owner’s face. As if trying to suppress his tears, Ashite saw Lante clench his teeth together. Ashite continued with strong certainty.
“And I will continue to be happy.”
“….”
“So don’t worry. Lante.”
I had been this kind of child, and you had always been that sort of child. He had been a cold and elegant crown prince but truthfully had been kind-hearted. So she knew that he had worried about her. Even though she had known this, she had not been able to step forward to accept the importance of it. Like a child, she had been content just using it. She was glad that now, although very late, she was able to tell him all the things she had held back in fear.
Ashite stroked L’avenant’s cheek. Then, she relayed the comfort that she had received from him in the past.
“So…don’t cry. It’s alright.”
“…I’m not crying, sister.”
“Ok, that’s good. Lante.”
She now smiled in front of the all grown boy. He returned her smile.
Only then was Ashite able to finally go see L’avenant’s friend.
After calming down a bit, L’avenant excused himself to bring someone over.
“Sister. This is the friend I told you about before. This is my sister.”
Ashite stood up. The woman standing next to L’avenant greeted her.
“Princess. It’s so nice to see you. I am the daughter of Duke Hamern, Joansi.”
She was a woman who looked nice in her sleek black dress. Ashite responded to her polite greeting.
“It’s nice to meet you. Hamern. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Joansi blinked. As if shy, her cheeks blushed.
“I hear you are close to Lante.”
“Yes. Although I am not worthy, it is so. Your majesty.”
She somehow seemed to understand that feeling. Ashite spoke to her gratefully.
“Thank you. Hamern.”
Joansi opened her eyes wide. Ashite was smiling. It was similar to her asking to take good care of him, and so L’avenant burst out laughing.
“You are too kind, your highness.”
She wasn’t sure what the right thing to say was, but not answering was impolite. Joansi lowered her head. L’avenant glanced over at her and casually changed the topic.
“Sister. Can you stay a little longer?”
“Yes. I’ve come planning to stay until dinner.”
“Then, can Hamern have a meal with us?”
“Of course. Lante.”
“Is that alright with you, Hamern?”
“Yes, your highness. Of course. I would be honored.”
They dined in a comfortable atmosphere. This was the first time seeing Joansi, but being Lante’s friend, Ashite’s impression of her was stronger, and she took extra care in being hospitable. In turn, Joansi was highly respectful toward the princess. They talked about how their lives had been and how exactly Joansi had gotten close to Lante. Ashite thought that it was a relief that she had come here today.
Only after it started getting dark, did Ashite head out of Ramon Chater. L’avenant and Joansi escorted Ashite out until she got into her carriage. They promised to see each other again, and Ashite greeted said goodbye to them with a smile.
Then she got out of her familiar carriage and stood in front of the familiar palace.
This thought popped into her head. Had I seen him today? She had been out and about from the morning, so the day felt especially long. Should I stop by his office? Am I allowed to do that? Should I be? Ashite mulled over these thoughts as she walked up the stairs.
The second floor of the palace was dark. The lamp lights were dim. Ashite walked on. A guard stood in front of the office. Before the guard announced Ashite’s presence,
“Ashite.”
The door opened. The red cloak caught the light and cast a spectrum of colors onto the floor.
“Have you just gotten back?”
You remember the sound of my footsteps. Ashite smiled innocently.
Subconsciously, Ashite reached out her hand, and Lu Havre grabbed tightly onto it. She was reminded of all the memories she made today, so Ashite answered like a child. She hadn’t been planning to do this in particular, but she couldn’t help it.
“Yes. I’ve had a safe trip, Lu Havre.”
