The Decade of Deep Love (The 10 Years I Loved You the Most) - Chapter 55 - Nightmare and Heartache

If someone was so important to you, over time, they would sear a mark on your heart. And whether the person was still kept in mind or not, the mark just wouldn’t disappear ever after.

Ziyu Ai tucked Zhishu He into the cover. He felt bad all of a sudden. All he wanted to do was look at the plants he had grown for Zhishu.

Time went by very fast. It was already the middle of January. Two weeks later, it would be February, which was another step closer to Chinese New Year.

Zhishu would take a little walk when feeling less painful but he wouldn’t go too far away from the house. When he was in a bad shape, he would cover himself with a thick cashmere blanket and read books in an armchair. Zhishu didn’t like TVs or movies because they would dizzy him, which led to heavy headaches. However, reading wasn’t that comfortable for him either, he would often fall asleep halfway through a book.

What scared Ziyu the most now was to see Zhishu fall asleep. He was uptight every time he walked up to him—He was afraid that one day, this man would sleep in peace and never wake up again.

Zhishu noticed that recently, there was less moving-about of Doctor Ai in front of him. The man would just mind his own scribbling or doodling near him, acting pretty concentrated.

This day, Ziyu Ai, unlike before, raised his head after he finished his drawing, and had a good stretch in the warm afternoon sunshine. “Your birthday is close, is it?” He then said straightforwardly to Zhishu.

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It took Zhishu a while before he realized that someone was speaking to him. He slightly leaned forward and said, “How do you know?”

Zhishu He’s birthday was right before Chinese New Year. No one cared about his birthday since he left home a decade ago apart from Wenxu Jiang.

Ziyu Ai smiled at him. “I took one more glimpse at your ID number when you were filling in the form.”

It wasn’t a painful day for Zhishu so he was willing to have a chat with the doctor. “Okay. What have you been drawing these days?”

“Secret.” Ziyu Ai acted mingy this time.

Zhishu wasn’t very curious of it anyway. “Bring the dog here. I’d like to have fun with him.” He didn’t say the doctor’s name, which actually was childishly cute.

Ziyu Ai had a softer heart than the West Lake water in April at the moment but he had to force himself to say no. “Wait until you feel better. The dog goes out every day. It’s unhygienic.” The immune system of Zhishu’s was already vulnerable and that was one big, energetic dog. Ziyu was quite concerned.

How much longer could he wait though? Zhishu was a bit disappointed but he knew he did it for his health.

Ziyu couldn’t bear to see Zhishu get upset. He thought for a while and walked up to Zhishu. “How about I get you a kitten here?” He asked.

Zhishu was cheered up a little. “I want the one with black whiskers and white feet.” He answered.

“The fattest one, I get it,” Ziyu got close to him and said with a smirky face, “Give me a kiss and I’ll get it for you.”

Zhishu rolled his eyes. “Don’t make fun of me.”

Ziyu instantly gave up to the eye roll. He couldn’t help himself but swiftly zoomed towards Zhishu’s cheek and kissed on it.

Zhishu He was so shocked that his pupils dilated.

But thanks to Ziyu’s rapid pace, the fluffy little fellow was delivered in time, or else Zhishu would surely slap on his face.

After that little incident, a touch of intimacy and romance broke into their life which had never occurred before. Ziyu Ai was hell of a cheeky guy. At first, he would at most sit next to Zhishu to read books, now the two of them shared a blanket. He would also hold Zhishu around his waist and kiss him on the cheek from time to time.

Ziyu was also a good pleaser. Zhishu He wouldn’t even read a book when he meant to ignore Ziyu Ai, he would close his eyes and just rest. But Ziyu Ai would get his poetry out and read those flirtatious, passionate foreign love poems to him. And one time wasn’t enough for Ziyu, he would read again emotionally in standard British English, and finally, round-three in sexy French.

What a charmer.

Zhishu He’s heart wasn’t made of stone, plus, right now, a company was what he needed the most. Right now, he just couldn’t resist Ziyu’s sweetness.

Ziyu Ai was the only one, other than Wenxu Jiang at the early stage of their relationship, saw Zhishu as the light of his life, but the two men were different. The one Wenxu Jiang cherished was the adolescent that was prettier than flowers whereas Ziyu Ai was in love with Zhishu at his worst, the man who had been living with another man for more than a decade, as well as the man who was unpredictable and having a fatal illness.

*

The weather in Beijing was far from ideal. Sunny days were rare even when there was no wind or snow. Smog was a regular inhabitant of the city; each inhalation of the air irritated the throats.

It had to be the longest, coldest winter Wenxu Jiang ever had, which had forever engraved the despairing gray on his memory. Late night in his bed, there wasn’t a single sound around Wenxu. He felt like the last human being in this world.

No matter how many times Wenxu Jiang rolled over in his large bed, when he abruptly woke up in the middle of the night and reached out to the other half of it, there always lay the coldness, boundless coldness. Wenxu Jiang was obsessed with cigarette recently, the ashtrays in his house or the company were always packed with cigarette butts. Later, he started to drink, alone at home. If he managed to get himself drunk, another night would just quietly pass. But sobering up at midnight was the worst as solitude just caught him off guard.

More often, Wenxu Jiang just couldn’t sleep well, he was haunted by nightmares. At the most torturing times, next day’s nightmare would start from where it ended yesterday and it felt as real as it got. He often dreamt of Zhishu He, that he was alone at home with long bangs and in white pajamas, strolling in the massive house over and over again. He didn’t raise his head; he was at a slow pace; he opened the doors of every bedroom and then shut them, ceaselessly. The other day, Wenxu’s dream even had sounds it in. Zhishu, who was repeating the same routine as if expecting something behind the doors, at last, sat on the ground, absolutely fatigued. His tears pattered the floor, formed little puddles one after another, while he was saying something in a sad, heartbreaking voice, “Wenxu… I can’t find you. Come back to me, please…” The sound of his sobs gradually faded. Wenxu Jiang realized the tears on the ground had turned into blood afterwards. And in the end, Zhishu raised his head up—he was pale and haggard, his mouth was full of blood…

Wenxu Jiang awakened from the nightmare and was too afraid to keep sleeping.

“It’s my fault…” Wenxu’s heart was in so much pain that he curled his entire body into a small ball in order to stay under sadness’ radar. “Zhishu, it was all on me… I won’t do this ever again… Sorry… Sorry…”

At first, Wenxu thought it was pure heartache, the last bit of his conscience, causing the pain. But he then passed out in the company. When he was taken to the hospital, he was told that there was actually something wrong with his heart.

Heartache could cause physical pain. Wenxu’s lips turned blue and his eyes dimmed.

He missed Zhishu He.