A Billion Stars Can’t Amount to You - Chapter 1042-1049
Han Zhifan didn’t come back home for several days, nor did he go back to the office.
He turned his phone off and stayed somewhere no one could find him. He quietly, repeatedly thought back to every little thing that happened before he reappeared in everyone’s field of sight again.
After he turned his phone on, the first call he received was from his secretary. Having disappeared without a word, a lot of jobs at work were put on hold. After he hung up the phone, he first went to the office to take care of business.
By the time he finished all his work, it was already one in the afternoon of the next day.
The secretary asked him if he wanted to go to a dinner party in the evening.
He thought about it for a while but chose to decline. After the secretary left, he sat in his office in silence for a while then grabbed his car keys. He went to the underground parking lot to retrieve his car and headed back to the villa.
In the afternoon, the sunlight shining upon the villa emphasized its beauty.
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Because it was the afternoon, people who had just eaten lunch must’ve been taking afternoon naps. When Han Zhifan pushed the door open and walked in, the only sound he could hear inside was the swishing sound of the air con.
Han Zhifan walked up the stairs and first took a glance at the sleeping Cheng Han. Then he walked over to the master bedroom.
He assumed Cheng Weiwan was also taking an afternoon nap, so he never imagined that after he pushed open the door, he would see her on the sofa with a book in her hands.
She was wearing a long white dress with her long black hair draped behind her head. The bright sunlight hit her body through the window and made her look unusually crisp.
Han Zhifan couldn’t help but stare at her a little longer before stepping inside.
He pushed the door open really softly. Cheng Weiwan didn’t notice someone drawing closer until the door shut and Han Zhifan took a few steps towards her. She lifted her gaze from her book and looked up at his body.
Perhaps she never thought he would come back suddenly, so she blanked out then hesitated for a moment. It was as though she was contemplating if she should say ‘hello’ to him, but in the end, she didn’t say anything. She withdrew her gaze silently and continued to read her book.
Han Zhifan didn’t speak until after he walked over to Cheng Weiwan. “Reading?”
He sounded like he was just speaking casually. Cheng Weiwan’s fingers around her book tensed up as she softly nodded and mumbled, “Mhm.”
“What kind of book are you reading?”
Cheng Weiwan didn’t reply to him but showed him the title written on the front cover.
“Oh,” said Han Zhifan then he didn’t say a word more.
He stood in front of her. Although she didn’t look at him, she could still sense his gaze.
This kind of scene made her feel uncomfortable. She couldn’t read anymore, so she figured she might as well shut her book and prepare to check on Hanhan.
It seemed like Han Zhifan knew she wanted to leave, so he asked, “Wanwan, can we talk?” before she could even move.
Cheng Weiwan froze.
Han Zhifan stared at Cheng Weiwan’s clean face for a while then said, “I want to hear you talk about how you spent the last few years after you left me.”
Cheng Weiwan pursed her lips. After a while, she calmly said, “What’s there to say? I lived one day after another.”
“Wanwan, I really want to know…”
Perhaps it was because Han Zhifan’s tone of voice sounded really serious that Cheng Weiwan nodded softly after a long pause. “Then I’ll just tell you some things about Hanhan…”
He was Hanhan’s father, so Hanhan would need to follow him in the future. It couldn’t be bad for him to know more about Hanhan. There was no telling – it might even make him love Hanhan a little more.
Han Zhifan wanted to hear about Hanhan’s past, and moreover, he wanted to hear about things he didn’t know about her…
But he didn’t want to put her in a difficult position. She wasn’t willing to tell him, so he made do with her offer. “Okay.”
Cheng Weiwan wasn’t in a hurry, so she tilted her head as though she was seriously reminiscing about something for a while. “After I left you, I didn’t leave Beijing because I had already been here for many years at that point, so I knew it very well. I was afraid that if I suddenly moved to a new place, it might be difficult for me to deal with things if I came across any problems while pregnant.”
“You told me to abort the child. Although your secretary helped me keep this secret, I was still afraid that you’d find out, so I didn’t dare go to the hospital. I spent a large sum of money to hire a private doctor. Even so, I felt uneasy every day and perhaps that affected Hanhan, because I started to show signs of bleeding at six months.”
“I almost lost Hanhan that time.”
“Actually, at the time, my mental state wasn’t that great. I was really down and after I found out that my pregnancy wasn’t stable, my first thought wasn’t to work hard to protect the baby. Instead, I thought it would be pretty great to die with the baby.”
“Hanhan was stronger than I was. He fought on, so I fought on.”
“Hanhan was born in the middle of a snowy night in Beijing and the ground was very slippery. There were still two months until the expected delivery date when my water suddenly broke. The nanny I hired happened to be off that day, so I was alone. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even leave the apartment. In the end, Muqing came to see me and happened to see me like that. She sent me to the hospital.”
“I didn’t take good care of the baby and my state of mind was always terrible. When we reached the hospital, Hanhan still wouldn’t come out. The doctor was impatient and so was I. In the end, I bled a lot.”
Bled a lot… the sudden image of himself rushing to the hospital and seeing Lili lying in a pool of blood flashed across Han Zhifan’s mind.
Those were the circumstances on the day Hanhan was born?
Han Zhifan didn’t say anything, but he looked very pale.
“That was Hanhan and my second time almost leaving this world.” In comparison to the torment Han Zhifan felt in his heart, Cheng Weiwan felt nothing while she thought back to that frightening scene.
“Hanhan was born two months premature. When he was born, he was particularly small and he could’ve died at any time.”
“Hanhan stayed in the incubator for three whole months before he came back home with me.”
“I was alone during the three months that Hanhan stayed in the incubator. That was when I got depressed.”
“It was very serious. It was so serious that I didn’t want to live. I walked up to the window more than once, wanting to jump down, and I stood still in the middle of the road more than once.”
“Fortunately, Muqing and Yinan Ge noticed something was wrong with me at the time, so they took turns taking care of me around the clock.”
Cheng Weiwan spoke very slowly. As she spoke, she stopped and thought to herself every now and then.
She spoke quietly in the same volume that she usually used to tell Cheng Han’s fairy tales in the evening. However, it caused endless daggers to repeatedly stab his heart.
Han Zhifan was so hurt, but from beginning to end, he didn’t tell Cheng Weiwan to stop.
Before he arrived and decided to listen to her tell all these stories, he already knew he was going to be really hurt. However, he never imagined he would be this hurt.
“After Hanhan came home from the hospital, Muqing hired a midwife to take care of Hanhan.”
“At the time, I was still sick. There was one really serious time when I swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills.”
“After I woke up, I was really unwell and in the hospital because I was throwing up my stomach.”
“Muqing’s eyes were red as she called me ‘foolish’ from the sidelines. She yelled at me for not thinking things through and asked what was going to happen to Hanhan if I left.”
“Actually, Muqing said a lot at the time, but I didn’t listen. It was the sound of Hanhan’s endless crying that let me know that I had given birth to a child. The baby who I fought tooth and nail to protect was born…”
“And it was from then on that I started to slowly come out of it and slowly shifted all my focus on Hanhan. I gradually got better little by little as Hanhan grew up.”
“When I used to work as a screenwriter, I might not have earned a lot, but I spent a lot of my savings on an apartment. The more time I spent with Hanhan in my belly, the less savings I had. I knew I should work and make money, so when I was eight months pregnant with Hanhan, I raised my pen and started writing stories again.”
“I didn’t dare use the pen name of Cheng Weiwan in fear that people would find out I had Hanhan. Although I put Hanhan under Muqing’s name, all I could do was start writing with a new pen name. Writing books was really tiring and I didn’t earn a lot. My days were a little tough, but I never let Hanhan suffer because I knew that without him, I’d be nothing. It was Hanhan who kept me alive…”
Han Zhifan’s hand couldn’t help but ball into fists.
His back started to gently tremble.
“Later, the nanny found a better working environment, so she quit. All I could do was find a new nanny to take care of Hanhan.”
“Sometimes, I didn’t notice many things when I was fully concentrated on writing scripts. Later, I realized that the new nanny would often lecture Hanhan, and she would secretly feed Hanhan sleeping pills just to let me work in peace.”
“When I found out, I couldn’t trust anyone anymore. I took over taking care of Hanhan completely. During the day, there simply wasn’t time to write, so I would have to wait till Hanhan slept to write in the evening. I pulled all-nighters every day. Huge chunks of hair fell out and my state of mind was also awful. My memory started to get worse and for some time, I got headaches every day.”
“How should I put it… Although those days were hard, I was really happy.”
“Hanhan slowly learned to crawl then swayed as he walked then called me ‘mummy’ and learned simple words.”
“I felt a special sense of accomplishment. It gave me a stronger sense of accomplishment than my first script that was made into a television series.”
“But as Hanhan got older, he learned more and more about some things. For example, when he was over a year old, he suddenly asked, ‘Mummy, what is a dad? How come everyone has a dad? Why don’t I have a dad?’”
“He asked me several questions in succession. I didn’t know how to reply to him.”
“I couldn’t tell Hanhan that ‘your father doesn’t want you.’ In the end, I chose to lie to him. I picked up your photo and told him that: ‘This is daddy. When you grow up, daddy will come back to see you.’”
“He was really happy and cried ‘Daddy’ endlessly. Eventually, he would even start recording all the happy things that happened to him in the day. He told me that when daddy came back, he was going to give these for daddy to watch.”
“Hanhan really wanted a dad. Muqing and I went out for dinner with him once and there was a family of three sitting next to us. The family had a daughter about Hanhan’s age who had just learned to speak not too long ago. She would keep calling ‘daddy’ and you could tell that her dad really adored her. Her father replied to every cry. The more the girl cried out for him, the higher her voice was. In the end, Hanhan couldn’t help but turn his head and look over at the girl. Hanhan didn’t say anything, but I could tell that he was envious, really envious…”
“That night, when we got back home and after I told him a bedtime story, I sat writing beside him. In the middle of the night, he talked in his sleep. That was the first time I heard Hanhan talk in his sleep. He cried just one word. It was… Daddy…”
Han Zhifan gaped, wanting to say something, but in the end, he realized that his throat hurt so much that he couldn’t utter a single word.
It felt like his heart had been tightly squeezed by a countless pair of hands; the terrible pain of having no air to breathe made him feel like he was experiencing a life worse than death.
He figured that if eighteen layers of hell really existed in this world, he was afraid that this was how it felt to be there.
The pain was quite unbearable for him. He really wanted to run away, but he felt completely weighed down. His heavily-weighed-down-body had nowhere to go.
“Yinan Ge would come visit Hanhan and me at times. Hanhan normally stuck with me, but when Yinan Ge came, he stuck with Yinan Ge.”
“Yinan Ge had a friend who got married and had a son about the same age as Hanhan. Sometimes, we would let the two kids play together. When the friend’s son broke his toy, he would go find his father; when he wanted a drink, he would go find his father. Every time that happened, Hanhan would stand to one side in a daze and watch our friends taking care of their son. There was even one time when Hanhan actually pushed our friend’s son and cry ‘This is my daddy…’”
Han Zhifan turned his head and reached out to cover his face.
The heart-wrenching pain made his organs tremble and caused his entire body to softly shiver.
He was incredulous about how she lived after they broke up…
He was hurting like this just by listening to stories about Hanhan. He thought that if he knew about what happened to her back then, he would be a million times more hurt, right?
It was already difficult for a woman to single-handedly take care of a child… but she also had depression…
Han Zhifan knew he let Cheng Weiwan down. He instinctively wanted to apologize to her, but he found himself feeling disgusted by those two words.
No matter how many times he apologized, just what use would it be now that things were at this point?
He only wanted to get back to how things used to be and make up for everything he owed her, but he’d just end up hurting her. Could he make up for it? Even if he could, there would still be scars…
“You know what happened later. You know I had Hanhan and you stole Hanhan from me…”
Han Zhifan remembered how he went looking for Lin Muqing that one time after he found out Cheng Weiwan was taking antidepressants. As soon as Lin Muqing heard what he said, his first reaction was: “She’s sick again?”
Again… Did I make her relapse because I took Hanhan away from her?
Han Zhifan suddenly felt like he couldn’t stay there any longer. He got up and exerted a lot of strength to force some words out of his mouth. “I’m heading out for a while…”
Cheng Weiwan softly replied, “Alright.”
Han Zhifan didn’t say anything but turned around and walked towards the door.
He walked really slowly. After just a few steps, his body swayed for a moment and he almost fell to the floor. Thankfully, he reached his hand out just in time and supported himself up with the wall. After a while, he thought he could stabilize himself and walk again, but after walking not too far from where he stopped, he bumped into a cabinet beside him.
The bedroom was several dozen square feet large, but he trudged for a really long time before he made it out of the bedroom.
After he shut the door, he slumped to the floor like a deflated balloon.
How could this be?
How could everything have turned out like this?
She clearly should’ve hated me. The things I did were for Lili, but in the end, it was a big joke.
She loved me, she truly loved me, but when I love her and want to be with her, she no longer wants to be with me.
But who can I blame? I tore up my happiness with my bare hands…
She said she only hopes to leave me as soon as possible. I gave her so many reasons to leave, so now, what… what should I do? Should I really let her go? But what am I going to do if I let her go? If I don’t let her go, what right do I have to make her stay? As I am now, I’m afraid I don’t even have the right to pester her, let alone tell her to stay.
If I knew things would turn out like this, I definitely wouldn’t have treated her like that back then. Nor would I have dumped her after chasing her. Moreover, I wouldn’t have forced her to abort our child… I wouldn’t have. Now, I’m able to think of many things I wouldn’t have done, but what use is that? Time can’t turn back and life can’t start again. I lost her, so I lost her. No matter how painful the consequences are, I have to endure the pain of the sins I committed.
Han Zhifan slowly shut his eyes and tears poured from the corners his eyes.
…
Han Zhifan said he was heading out for a bit, but Cheng Weiwan didn’t see him for the rest of the day. It was now already one in the morning.
Cheng Weiwan had just fallen asleep when she was woken up by the doorbell downstairs.
The housekeeper and maids were probably fast asleep because nobody went to open the door. Cheng Weiwan put on a jacket and walked downstairs. After she opened the door, she saw a completely drunk Han Zhifan being supported by the driver.
“Miss Cheng, Mr. Han’s drunk and he keeps mumbling to come back here…” The driver simply explained to Cheng Weiwan.
Cheng Weiwan gently nodded and moved aside. “You better carry him upstairs.”
“”Okay, Miss Cheng.”
Han Zhifan was so terribly drunk that he couldn’t even walk, so the driver had to practically drag him upstairs.
On his way up, the driver almost fell down several times but was helped up by Cheng Weiwan beside him.
After the driver put Han Zhifan in his bed, he helped remove his shoes then said goodbye to Cheng Weiwan.
Cheng Weiwan saw the driver out then headed back up to see that Han Zhifan had rolled from the bed to the floor.
Cheng Weiwan stared at Han Zhifan for a while. In the end, she walked up to him and used a lot of strength to get him back up onto the bed. Cheng Weiwan pulled the covers over him, but just as she was about to lay down on the other side of the bed, Han Zhifan murmured, “Water, water, water…”
Cheng Weiwan laid with her back against Han Zhifan for a moment, but she eventually got up and headed downstairs to bring back a glass of water.
After she helped Han Zhifan finish his water, Cheng Weiwan put the glass down but didn’t lay back in bed. Instead, she walked over to the sofa and turned the floor lamp on. She picked up the book she read during the day and started to read.
It was very quiet in the bedroom. Aside from the crisp sound of Cheng Weiwan turning the page every so often, nothing else was heard.
After an unknown amount of time, Cheng Weiwan grew tired of reading, so she closed her book then rubbed her eyes. She was about to go into the bathroom then sleep when she heard the drunken words of Han Zhifan lying on the bed before she got up. “Wanwan, Wanwan…”
Cheng Weiwan suddenly stopped.
He didn’t speak loudly but his words sounded unusually clear in the silent room.
He repeatedly cried her name before he finally said different words: “Sorry, sorry, sorry…”
Like a broken record, he repeated that one word over and over again.
Cheng Weiwan’s fingers couldn’t help but curl and clutch onto her sleeves.
Sorry… Is he apologizing to me time and time again while asleep because he really is sorry?
Does that mean what he’s been saying is true? He really does like me and he really wants to start over again?
“Wanwan, I’m sorry…”
“I’m sorry, Wanwan…”
His voice drilled into her ears once again and made her heart start to tremble slightly.
She knew she shouldn’t be swayed. A person could screw things up, but they couldn’t do it time and time again. However, with the person you loved, how could you really screw things up?
Despite being swayed, it was nothing more than that.
She could never be with him.
She couldn’t be with him or anyone else.
So, she couldn’t be confused again just by his sleep talking.
Cheng Weiwan thought about it then got up and walked into the bathroom.
After coming out of the bathroom, she heard Han Zhifan’s muttering once again. “Wanwan, I’m sorry. Sorry, Wanwan…”
Cheng Weiwan stopped her footsteps and stood at the bathroom door. After she heard Han Zhifan repeatedly saying those words, she turned around and walked over to the balcony.
Cheng Weiwan waited until after Han Zhifan went completely quiet before she walked back to the bedroom from the balcony.
When she laid in bed, she had nothing on her mind, yet she felt her mind was in complete chaos. She stared up at the ceiling for a long time and didn’t shut her eyes until the sky outside was bright.
She didn’t know if she was influenced by Han Zhifan’s sleep talking, but Cheng Weiwan hadn’t slept well. Not long after falling asleep, she woke up.
Cheng Weiwan sat up and saw the bathroom door being pulled open. Han Zhifan walked out drying his wet hair with a towel, fully dressed in his house clothes.
Han Zhifan also saw Cheng Weiwan. He suddenly stopped drying his hair and casually said, “You’re up?”
Cheng Weiwan didn’t say anything but gently nodded at Han Zhifan. Then she removed the covers and walked into the bathroom.
When she finished freshening up and came out of the bathroom, Han Zhifan was already done drying his hair. He sat clean and fresh on the sofa, reading the morning newspaper.
Cheng Weiwan didn’t disturb him but headed right for the bedroom door, ready to check on Hanhan.
She only took two steps when Han Zhifan, who was reading the newspaper, said, “Wanwan?”
Cheng Weiwan’s footsteps came to a stop as she turned and looked over at Han Zhifan.
Han Zhifan stared at the newspaper for a moment before his gaze fell upon Cheng Weiwan. “Wanwan, if you really want to leave…”
Han Zhifan stared at the newspaper for a moment before his gaze fell upon Cheng Weiwan’s face. “Wanwan, if you really want to leave…”
Han Zhifan stopped for a moment.
He made up his mind already, but when it came time to say it, he still found it difficult to say it aloud.
He pursed his lips and gulped for a while before he forced himself to finish speaking the main point. “…then leave.”
A hint of confusion came across Cheng Weiwan’s eyes as though she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
Han Zhifan’s fingers upon the newspaper couldn’t help but tense up. He knew she didn’t dare believe him, so he tried to explain what he just said in more detail. “You can leave whenever you want. No one will stop you. As for our previous deal, just forget it. Forget about the number of nights you owe me or whatever. Before you leave, tell the housekeeper to help you pack and call the driver.”
Han Zhifan paused for a moment then continued. “Of course, if you don’t want the housekeeper to do it, you can do it yourself. If you don’t want to use the driver, you can call your own cab, or call a friend to pick you up if you want…”
When Cheng Weiwan heard this, she finally dared to believe what she heard was true. Han Zhifan really was letting her go.
There was happiness but also sadness.
The happiness was because she could finally go back to living her quiet and peaceful life alone as she did before.
The sadness was because she had to part with Hanhan and this time, she didn’t know when they were going to see each other next.
But she didn’t need to be that sad, right? Han Zhifan had more money than she did, so he could provide for Hanhan; he was countless times better for Hanhan than her. It would be better for Hanhan to stay with him because at the very least, he could wear the best clothes, eat the very best food, use the very best things, and he could go to the very best school…
With that thought, Cheng Weiwan nodded gently at Han Zhifan. “Got it.”
Cheng Weiwan was quiet for a moment before she added, “Thank you.”
Han Zhifan didn’t reply.
Cheng Weiwan didn’t talk anymore either.
It was silent in the bedroom for quite some time. Cheng Weiwan was about to find something to say before leaving when all of a sudden, Han Zhifan said, “Wanwan, I’m sorry.”
Last night, she heard him saying this all night long… Cheng Weiwan pursed her lips but still didn’t make a sound.
“I know this means nothing, but I still want to sincerely apologize. I’m sorry Wanwan. I really was a douchebag back then…” said Han Zhifan.
Not all “Sorry”s could be exchanged for “That’s alright.”
Just like now, Cheng Weiwan couldn’t say “That’s alright” no matter how she tried. In the end, all she could do was say, “It’s in the past, so let’s not bring it up again.”
“Alright,” said Han Zhifan.
Cheng Weiwan didn’t know how to reply, so she didn’t say anything.
“Wanwan, I hope you live happily and peacefully in the future,” said Han Zhifan.
“Thank you,” replied Cheng Weiwan.
“If you come across any problems, you can find me at any time. I’ll help you think of a way to resolve them,” offered Han Zhifan.
Han Zhifan knew she wouldn’t go to him, but he said it anyway.
Cheng Weiwan knew she wouldn’t go to him, but she still replied with “Thank you” after she heard him say this.
It seemed like Han Zhifan was finished talking because he didn’t speak for a long time.
Cheng Weiwan pointed at the door. “I’m going to see Hanhan.”
With that said, she raised her foot.
Before Cheng Weiwan pulled the door open, Han Zhifan spoke up again. “Wanwan…”
Before Cheng Weiwan pulled the door open, Han Zhifan spoke up again. “Wanwan…”
Cheng Weiwan’s hand stopped before it touched the door handle.
She thought Han Zhifan was going to go back on his word, so her heart leaped into her throat for a while before she turned her head.
Han Zhifan looked at Cheng Weiwan’s eyes for a long time before he put the newspaper in his hand down. He picked up a file from beside him, got up, and walked up to Cheng Weiwan.
He handed CHeng Weiwan the file.
Cheng Weiwan looked over at Han Zhifan with a confused look on her face then glanced at the file in his hands. She reached out and took the file.
She opened the file and pulled out a pile of papers.
With just one glance at the contents, Cheng Weiwan could tell what it was. It was Hanhan’s custody contract, which he used Lin Muqing to get her to sign.
Why’s he giving this back?
Cheng Weiwan furrowed her brows slightly and scanned the file. She raised her head in confusion then looked over at Han Zhifan.
She didn’t speak, but Han Zhifan knew she had questions. “There were three copies of the document you signed back then. I have one copy in my hands, and you have one copy in yours. Take the copy you have and there’ll be two copies left for me and the lawyer. They’re all here. When you leave, take them with you. Keep it or destroy it – do whatever you want.”
He’s already given me the contract. So does that mean this contract is nullified?
Then Hanhan’s custody…
These questions just crossed Cheng Weiwan’s mind when Han Zhifan spoke again as he stood before her. “At the back of the file, there are three contracts you can take a look at now…”
With Han Zhifan’s prompt, Cheng Weiwan realized there were three new contracts aside from the two contracts she signed.
Like the others, they were contracts for Hanhan’s custody… The contents of the three contracts were exactly the same as the ones she signed before. However, the names of party A and party B were changed.
In the past, I was the one who gave up custody of Hanhan. Now, he’s giving up custody of Hanhan…
Beside the space where she should sign, the other signature spaces were all signed by him and the lawyer.
This meant that as long as she picked up the pen and signed her name, Hanhan would be hers. What’s more, from there on out, Han Zhifan wouldn’t fight her for Hanhan’s custody rights…
He used every method to steal her child from her back then. He even gloated that Hanhan would have a mother, but it wouldn’t be her.
Why now? Not only is he returning Hanhan to me, but he signed a contract to never fight for Hanhan’s custody.
Cheng Weiwan stared at the file for a long time but she didn’t believe it was real.
Han Zhifan saw Cheng Weiwan staring transfixed at the document for a long time without reacting. He then cried, “The lawyer and I have signed and stamped the documents. All that’s needed is your signature and it’ll be legally binding… Simply speaking, Hanhan will return to you. When you leave, you can take Hanhan and leave together…”
After hearing what Han Zhifan had to say, Cheng Weiwan slowly lifted her head and looked over at him.
She wanted to ask him, ‘Why are you doing this?”
She moved her lips but in the end, she didn’t ask.
“…Also, there’s a cheque in there. That’s my child support money for Hanhan… I know you’re not short of money, but Hanhan’s my son, after all. This is money I should give him…”
